


From the Outside In

by jelyba_pants_awesomesauce



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Gen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Violence, Put your slash goggles on, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-06
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-28 14:26:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10115876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jelyba_pants_awesomesauce/pseuds/jelyba_pants_awesomesauce
Summary: It's the beginning of season six, and Jared is preparing to take on the challenge of bringing soulless Sam to life. Unfortunately, he's about to discover that soulless Sam kind of has a mind of his own, and he's not fond of being controlled.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [millygal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/millygal/gifts).



> I finally made it! I've completed my first challenge in the SPN fandom, my first in any fandom actually. It's a little late, but it is finally done. I'm so grateful to my wonderful artist milly_gal, who I claimed, for being so understanding and helpful, even when I had to ask to use the amnesty day because of real life family drama (grateful to the mods too, for being understanding, you guys are the best!). And my poor sister, because she was my beta, even though she was dealing with the same family drama, and also doesn't watch the show, haha, the poor woman. Any mistakes are all stuff I've tweaked since she last looked at it.
> 
> I learned so many things doing this. Like how I'd forgotten how annoying verb tenses are in stories, cause I'm used to academic stuff. And that' it's a lot easier to read RPF than it is to write it? (Apologies to Gen and Danneel, cause I really love them, but I had no idea what to do with them, so they kind of got ignored... oh well) Ok, so, on to the story I guess? And please leave Milly's art some love, cause it's gorgeous! And she made extra for me, cause she's awesome like that! 
> 
> http://milly-gal.livejournal.com/1657787.html

 

From the Outside in

 

Jared sat on his back porch, cold beer in hand. Season five hadn’t been finished for but a couple weeks now, and Jared was finally enjoying a much needed vacation. Everyone involved with Supernatural had been listening to Kripke talk about his five-year plan since the beginning, but with the renewal for season six and the passing of the reigns to Sera Gamble, there had been a lot of speculation among the supporting cast and crew over what would happen now. Jared himself was dying to know what Sera had in mind for Sam, especially since they had filmed that scene at the end of Swan Song with Sam lurking outside of Lisa’s house. But that, of course, didn’t mean or explain anything about how Sam was free of Hell and Lucifer. Before Jared’s mind ran away with ideas, he had resolved to call Sera and ask her if she had any ideas yet about Sam for season six. It was well known among the production team that Sera had a fondness for Sam’s character in particular, so Jared was sure she was already boiling over with storylines for him. All he had to do was call and ask.

Jared stared at his phone. Now seemed as good a time as any. It had been a few weeks, and everyone should have had a chance at this point to not only get some rest, but also get started on the next season. He knew the writers and producers went back to work earlier than everyone else. Taking a deep breath, Jared set his beer down on the floor next to his chair. He scrolled through his contacts until he came to Sera’s name and pressed dial. Hunching forward a bit, he ran his hand up through his hair, waiting while the number dialed.

Sera answered after only two rings, “Jared!”

“Hey,” he grinned, she always seemed happy to hear from him. “How’s hiatus treating you?”

“Great! Oh my god, I’m so glad you called! I have so many ideas for season six, I don’t even know where to start.” She laughed, and Jared could hear the smile on her face. “Honestly,” Sera continued, “Eric always made it look so easy, corralling everyone, and always seeing the bigger picture.”

Jared chuckled, “The writers going off on tangents all over the place?”

“Yes, exactly. Everyone’s so excited to get their baby noticed!” Sera paused a moment, “But enough about that, how are you doing? Rested up already?”

“You know me, I’ve been thinking about it since the season ended!” He gave a nervous laugh and straightened up in his chair, taking a deep breath before asking, “Actually, I was wondering if maybe we could meet up and talk about what’s going to happen with Sam this season? Assuming you have anything in mind yet…”

“Oh, sure!” she answered immediately, “In fact, why don’t you come by here and we’ll do dinner; talk it all over.”

“Sounds good. Takeout? I’ll bring wine.”

“Yeah, sure. Let me just look at my calendar.” After a moment, she continued, “Any weekday evening next week would be good. Just give me a head’s up when you’re in the area and I’ll order something for us.”

“Awesome, I’ll see you then!” Jared grinned and hung up. Things were looking good, and he felt confident that he’d be able to handle whatever she threw at him.

 

SPNSPNSPN

 

“Soulless?”

Sitting across from each other at a desk in LA, with empty takeout containers and a bottle of wine spread out across the table top, Jared stared at Sera, a little clueless about what she could mean.

“Yes!” Sera leaned forward across the desk, eager to go into detail about her plans for Sam. “So, last we saw him he was standing outside Dean’s place, but the audience has no idea how he could have gotten out of hell, right? Something powerful must have done it, since we know it took an army of angels to get Dean. But the cage must be locked up tighter than where Dean was, so what if whatever pulled Sam out could only grab his body, and left his soul behind?” She was grinning, pleased not only with her idea, but also with the look on Jared’s face.

Jared ran his hands threw his hair, trying to imagine what _soulless_ would look like. “So… he’s like a zombie? Or a robot? What exactly does not having a soul do to a person? In the world of Supernatural, anyway.”

Head cocked, and a contemplative look on her face, Sera elaborated, “Well, not exactly either of those. Well… Maybe a little like a robot, actually. He’s still Sam, he’s just missing the thing that makes him _Sam_ , know what I mean? Honestly, we’re still nailing things down at this point, but I’m not worried. You shouldn’t worry about it either, I know you’re great with the emotional stuff. You’ll figure it out easy, and I’ll let you know when we’ve got a solid script ready.”

Jared gave a nervous laugh and looked off to the side, running his hand back through his hair. “I appreciate the vote of confidence.” He looked back up and grinned at her, “You sure do like to give me the crazy stuff, don’t you? Always beating me up!”

She laughed, “What can I say? I know what the Sam-girls want!”

He threw his head back and laughed, “Jeez, ok, I got it.” Smirking, Jared stood and held his hand out for Sera to shake. “I can’t wait to see what you send me. I’m sure it’ll be great.”

Sera stood as well, coming around the desk to see Jared out. She smiled up at him, “Thanks for the wine, it was a good choice. And don’t angst too much over the new season, we’ve got a good team working on it.”

Jared smiled back and pulled her into a quick hug. He started down the hall, turning to walk backwards so he could call out, “Good luck with everything, and don’t leave me waiting too long!”

Scoffing, Sera rolled her eyes and pulled the door to the office closed behind him.

Grinning, Jared made his way outside, pulling his beanie down over his head as he went. He stopped on the sidewalk for a moment, and turned to stare back up at the building behind him.

“Fuck. Soulless? Jesus, what the hell?” Taking a deep breath, he headed back toward where he had left his car. “Ok Padalecki, you got this… No pressure or anything.”

So according to Sera, ‘maybe like a robot’ was about as close as he was going to get at the moment as far as direction was concerned. He knew Dean’s soul had gone to Hell on the show, but his body had stayed behind. And there was the episode last season where they died and went to Heaven and found out about the whole soulmates thing. So all evidence suggested that the soul and body were two entirely different entities. But to have the body walking around and going about its business like normal? Jared had no idea where to even begin with that. What was left without the soul? Knowledge? Instinct, or muscle memory maybe? Like people who got amnesia and who could still do everything they were able to do before, but they couldn’t remember learning how to do it? God, he was just talking himself in circles…

“Fuck.”

Sighing, he pulled his phone from his pocket as he walked and typed up a quick text to Jensen.

_Sera is making me soulless this season jfc she hates me_

The response was nearly instant, and Jared could imagine Jensen back home staring at his phone, waiting to hear the results of his meeting.

            _Ha no she loves you that’s the problem_

_Whats soulless anyway we haven’t seen that have we_

_And what about dean_

Jared burst out laughing, pausing on the sidewalk to type out a response:

            _No answer on anything I gotta wing it_

_Fuck you anyways you’re directing asshole :p_

Immediately Jensen replied:

            _You wish you were as cool as me_

Jared smiled at his phone screen and moved to tuck it back into his pocket, but it buzzed again just as soon as he had put it away. Pulling it back out, he looked at the screen and saw Jensen had sent him another text:

            _Whatever you come up with itll be awesome_

Jared’s smile grew; he could always count on Jensen to have his back. With a deep breath and a renewed warmth in his chest, Jared headed home.

 

SPNSPNSPN

 

Pacing back and forth in his trailer, Jared had his copy of the script for the first episode rolled up in one fist. As he passed back in front of his small couch he dropped onto it, unrolling the script and flipping briefly through the pages. It’s not covered in notes or anything, but Jared had read through it so many times, folded and unfolded it, that the paper was starting to tear apart in places. They’ve filmed a couple of scenes already, and it’s been slow going and very disconcerting. This is the first time they’ve come back at the start of a season and Jared hasn’t been _Sam_. Usually it’s like slipping into an old coat, worn and familiar, and perfectly molded to fit Jared’s shoulders. But this time everything is different. Maybe it’s because he’s had all summer to relax and leave Sam behind, and now he’s having to jump right into this version of Sam without all the things that make him _Sam_. And from the look of things it’s going to be like this for a while.

A knock sounded against his trailer door, almost immediately followed by Jensen opening the door and sticking his head in.

“Hey, want some company?”

Jared smiled, “Sure.”

Jensen plopped down onto the couch next to Jared and they sit in companionable silence for a minute. Jared can see Jensen eyeing Jared’s script out of the corner of his eye. He only has to wait a moment for Jensen to take a deep breath and bring it up.

“It’s weird, huh?”

Jared laughs, “Yeah. I keep having to remind myself not to do stuff. I haven’t had to put so much thought into my facial expressions or gestures in a long time. Even when I was doing Lucifer just last season it wasn’t this bad.”

Jensen nodded, “He was a pretty expressive guy.”

“Yes, exactly! And it’s not like I can’t be like regular Sam now, it’s just that I’m supposed to be soulless but the audience doesn’t know I’m soulless. I don’t even think I know I’m soulless. Ahh.” Jared pressed his palms to his face, trying to exhale all of his frustration in one go. When he pulled his hands down and turned to Jensen, he found his friend smiling fondly at him. Jared chuckled and raised a questioning eyebrow at him. “What?”

“Nothing, nothing. It’s just, I’m imagining how badly you’re going to put me to shame this season, working this hard.”

Jared burst out laughing and shoved Jensen hard in the shoulder, “Shut up!”

Jensen was grinning now, and he looked for all the world like he’d just accomplished some great feat.

Once Jared had himself back under control, he gave in to the overwhelming urge to tell Jensen he was an idiot.

Jensen just smiled at him again and put his hand on Jared’s shoulder. “Listen, I know your instinct is to play Sam a certain way, ‘cause that’s what we’ve been doing for five years already. But I know you, and I’ve listened to you talk about the soulless stuff nonstop for weeks now, so it’s only a matter of time before your instincts adjust. Besides, Sera’s going to milk this for all it’s worth, right? You’ll have plenty of time to play with it.”

“Ok, stop. I think I got it, so you can stop with the flirting, Ackles.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “Who said anything about flirting? I’m just trying to get you to work so hard that everyone will be staring at you instead of paying attention to me. That way I can just sit back, relax, and have the rest of the season off.” He leaned back against the couch, propped his feet up on the little coffee table, and put his hands behind his head, the very picture of relaxed indifference.

Jared gasped, fluttering his hands and turning up his inner princess, “Oh! But what about my feelings, don’t reject me! My heart can’t take it!” Which prompted Jensen to haul off and punch him in the shoulder.

By the time a PA came to collect them for the next scene, they’d managed to shove the coffee table across the floor with their scuffling, and Jensen was going to need a new shirt.

 _Instinct_ , thought Jared, as they made their way back to set after getting cleaned up. _My instinct is to be soulless. I have no emotions, no feelings. Everything is instinct._

 

SPNSPNSPN

 

Jensen sat in his director’s chair, watching as Jared spoke to the current director about the episode. They were filming a vampire episode, and it should have been fun, getting to play a vampire. But it wasn’t.

Jared had grabbed soulless Sam by the horns and run with it. In fact, Jensen was starting to get a little concerned. Sometimes he could swear he heard Jared murmuring little reminders to himself, and Jensen didn’t think Jared even realized he was doing it. It was odd, in the way that this role hadn’t seemed more demanding than any of the other side roles Jared had played on Supernatural, and yet this was the one that had gotten to him. Every time he filmed a scene as soulless Sam it was taking him longer and longer to get out of it.

It was really starting to wear on Jensen. So far this season Dean wasn’t getting the emotional support he needed from Sam, but normally if that was the case it never bothered Jensen because he had Jared. Not so much this time around.

Jensen quickly straightened in his seat and tried to smile as Jared made his way over to him.

“Everything alright?” he asked as Jared took the seat next to him. He could see out of the corner of his eye where Jared had his script clutched tightly in his hand. Normally they just left them lying around wherever, but Jensen couldn’t recall seeing Jared parted from his at all so far this season.

Jared didn’t seem to have heard him. He was perched on the edge of his director’s seat, his long legs propped up on the rungs with his elbows on his knees, just staring intensely at nothing in particular as far as Jensen could tell. He looked like a praying mantis, all folded up like that. Jensen smiled. Maybe he should tell him that, it might put a smile on Jared’s face. That was getting harder to do these days…

“Identifying your next target?”

Jared twitched, as if he’d been startled. He turned to look at Jensen, his brow furrowed. “What?”

“You look like a praying mantis, your gigantor limbs all folded up like that. And with that scary look on your face, I was just wondering if you were about to pounce on someone?” Jensen grinned and waited expectantly for Jared to join in on the teasing. Maybe whatever passed for praying mantis gestures in Jared’s humongous brain?

But Jared just stared at him, expression unchanged. “What scary look?”

“Oh, uh… you’re just staring very intensely at nothing, that’s all…” Jensen waited a beat for some sort of response, but with none forthcoming… “Jared?”

Jared closed his eyes and seemed to give himself a mental shake, and then a small smile appeared on his face. “Sorry, I’m just…” and he waggled his fingers at his head, “thinking too hard I guess… What’d you say?” The sincerity was there on his face, finally, but the joke was long gone.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it. You doing ok with the scene?”

“Yeah, everything’s good. Did you want to go over it, or something?”

Jensen sighed and made the effort to turn his mind back to the work. Jared was always _on_ these days… “Sure, what page are you looking at?”

Oh well, he’d snap out of it eventually. Jensen would just have to make sure to keep an eye on him. Maybe sometime soon they could get away for a bit and do something fun together. That would do the trick. Jensen wasn’t worried, not really. Hopefully it wouldn’t come back to bite him in the ass later.

 

SPNSPNSPN

 

“Cut!”

Jensen sat back a little from where he’d been kneeling over Jared, waiting to hear if they’d need to go again. Beneath him, Jared lies still with his eyes closed and expression flat, seemingly fine with waiting on the hard floor as long as needed.

Their director, Jan, spoke quietly for a moment with a couple of the crew and then calls to the boys, “Ok guys, that looks pretty good. Get cleaned up and take a break. We’ll reset and move on to the next one. Good work!” The makeup team, who had been standing off to the side waiting, scatter and head out, presumably to get their stations set up to remove the fake blood.

Jensen looked back to Jared, startled to realize that he’d opened his eyes and is now quietly staring up at Jensen, expression blank. Jensen immediately stood up and moved to the side, holding his hand out for Jared to grab. He feels a shiver move down his spine as Jared continues to stare blankly at Jensen, even after he’s stood up and taken a step away. After a few seconds Jensen starts to worry; it’s not like Jared to stay in it for so long. Neither one of them have ever been particularly method.

“You alright?”

Jared takes a beat to think about it, head cocked, and then smiles at Jensen. There’s something almost smug in his expression, and Jensen finds himself frowning.

“Yeah, of course. I’m fine.”

Jensen nodded, “Yeah, well, you’ve got…” and he waves vaguely to the mess on Jared’s face. At a loss for anything else to say, “Let’s head over to makeup.”

Jared just nods, “Sure,” and walks off, leaving Jensen to catch up.

Walking side by side across the lot, Jensen gets the strongest feeling that it’s not really Jared walking beside him. Without any real goal in mind, Jensen just starts talking, which is what Jared would normally be doing. It’s a sobering thought.

“So, I know we’ve had this conversation before, and I don’t want to sound like I’m beating on a dead horse or anything, but God, I’ll be glad when Sam gets his soul back. All I’m doing these days is expending emotional energy and not getting anything back. Feels like I’m doing all the work, you know? Not that there’s anything wrong with what you’re doing, not at all! It’s great, fantastic, really superb. Just not Sam, which is so weird, cause I know you’ve done not-Sam before, and I’ve acted across from you doing not-Sam before, it’s just never been this many episodes in one go. I’m starting to forget what it feels like to be regular Dean and Sam, which is even more weird, cause you wouldn’t think that’d be possible after five years plus of playing these characters, but-“

“Jensen.”

Jensen looked up and realized they were standing in front of makeup. Fuck, he couldn’t remember the last time he had rambled on like that. Probably not since they started doing conventions ages ago and he had to get used to being in front of and entertaining large crowds on a regular basis. Which was just more evidence that Jared was acting too much like a stranger recently and not enough like his regular puppy-dog self.

Jensen sighed, “Sorry, kind of got carried away there for a minute.”

“It’s fine.” Jared stopped in front of the stairs into the makeup trailer, and he had that smug look on his face again, like he was laughing at Jensen, just way better at hiding it these days.

Squinting at Jared and doing his best to see past this new mask that his best friend seemed to always be wearing, Jensen asked one more time, “You’re sure you’re fine? You’re not acting like it.”

Jared sighed, and Jensen could have sworn he rolled his eyes. “Jensen, I’m fine. Really, I am. It’s just makeup. We’ve done it a hundred times before.”

Jensen nodded. He wasn’t sure what else to say at the moment other than, “Well, let me know if that changes, ok? I’m going to head over to craft services for some coffee. Come find me when you’re done here.”

Jared just smiled at him, “Sure.”

As he turned and headed towards the food tent, Jensen looked back over his shoulder. Jared was still standing there at the base of the makeup trailer stairs, staring after Jensen, his eyes as blank and empty as Jensen had ever seen.

 

SPNSPNSPN

 

Jared sat perfectly still on the couch in his trailer. The fake blood had been removed and he’d been given fresh clothes. It was late and they’d probably be free to leave soon, unless something else came up. Jared was confident that he could handle anything the director asked of him. So the only thing there was to think about right now was his cast mate.

_Jensen_

It seemed like all Jensen did these days was ask Jared if he was ok. Of course Jared was ok. He couldn’t think of anything he had done recently to make Jensen think otherwise. He was doing his job, working hard, and he hadn’t felt this in tune with _Sam_ in a long time. But for some reason Jensen kept asking to talk about it. There was nothing to talk about!

_He’s doubting us. He thinks we can’t do the job._

Why would Jensen even think that? As far as Jared knew he hadn’t done anything to give Jensen that impression.

_He’s been asking to go over the scripts more often. And he keeps wanting to do your scenes. Obviously he thinks you need work._

It’s not like they weren’t Jensen’s scenes too. Maybe he’s the one who feels like he needs work?

 _Jensen? Admit to weakness? Unlikely. We’ve got to look out for ourselves. If he keeps trying to_ direct _us, something’s going to have to be done about it._

But he and Jensen always worked together on episodes, and gave each other free advice and direction. They’d been working together for over five years now; it was automatic at this point.

_Not like this. We can’t let him boss us around. We’re stronger than that, and we’re better than him. There’s nothing holding us back. No emotion in the way. Our instincts are just fine, they haven’t led us wrong so far._

Right. Instinct. Soulless Sam was just animal instinct. His sense of self-preservation was stronger than anything else. Jared had read the next few scripts already. He knew how things were going to go. Sam needed to be able to do whatever was necessary to protect himself. And that included protection from Dean. So that was what Jared needed to do. Jensen would see reason eventually; Jared would make sure of it.

 

SPNSPNSPN

 

They were in a bar downtown, with Jared at the counter collecting their drinks and Jensen scouting out a pool table for them to mess around with. Dean and Sam would have been very comfortable in such a place, and with the low lighting and smoky atmosphere, Jared and Jensen were also less likely to be recognized. Jensen had been talking about the two of them going out for a couple weeks now, because apparently they needed to blow off some steam or something. Jared rolled his eyes and collected the pitcher and glasses from the bartender, making his way through the tables towards the spot Jensen had claimed.

_Easy now. We don’t want to give away that we’re on to him. Whatever he’s got planned for us, let’s just wait and see._

Jared took a deep breath and set his items down at the booth closest to Jensen’s pool table. Both their jackets were draped over the benches where Jensen had obviously left them. He seemed to be making friends with a couple guys near their table. Jared joined them and forced a smile.

_Always a good idea to make nice. Never show your hand._

Jensen was talking with two guys about playing a game together when Jared walked up. Jensen smiled at him and introduced everyone, happily accepting the beer when Jared offered it. Jared looked the two guys over and decided they must be business men or something of the sort, judging by their hair and clothes. Probably nice guys on any other day, but not someone he felt like dealing with when they got drunk and started trying to show off. Why couldn’t Jensen have found a table with no one else around?

_Relax. We can handle them. They’re the easily frightened type._

They played a few games together without incident, and Jared made a couple trips back over to the bar for pitcher refills. He and Jensen were clearly the better players, though Jensen was being nice about it, and Jared knew better than to show off so early on.

Unfortunately their new friends didn’t seem to have the same restraint. All night they’d been trying to convince Jensen and Jared to make bets. Every time Jared opened his mouth to agree Jensen seemed to read his mind and elbowed him in the side. Not only that, but the ‘what do you do for a living?’ question was unavoidable in polite conversation. And _actor_ seemed to translate endlessly into comments about their looks and character. Was Jared a walking stereotype? No, thank you! One more comment about his ‘silky hair’ or ‘do you know so and so?’ and Jared was going to punch someone in the face.

_They have no idea what we could do to them. Shall we demonstrate? It would probably be good for them anyways. Don’t people always say never judge a book by its cover? Obviously they’ve never been taught that particular lesson. It’d be a shame for them to go through life without learning it._

Jared could see Jensen was uncomfortable with some of the comments, but he hadn’t done anything about it so far. Probably choosing to assume it was all in good fun.

_Give me the pool cue. I’ll do it._

“Would you guys like to see some fight training? We get to do a lot of our own stunts on set. Gotten pretty good at it too, since we’ve been doing it so long and all that.” Jared grinned expectantly. Across the table from him Jensen was staring like he’d grown a second head.

“Uh… Jared, I don’t think that would - “

“Sure! Show us what you’ve got, pretty boy!” The guy next to him was grinning back, the idiot. He wanted to get beat up? Jared would be happy to.

Probably faster than the guy was expecting, Jared had his arm twisted up behind his back and his face pressed into the felt of the pool table. His friend shouted in alarm and tried to step in, but it wasn’t difficult to hold the first guy with one hand and sucker punch the second with the other. Jared grinned, the idiot hadn’t even tried to dodge. Which was right about when he felt the band of Jensen’s arm around his throat, pulling him backwards. He was so startled this his hands automatically released the business man and refocused on the new threat. He pulled Jensen’s arm away, since he wasn’t holding that tightly anyway, and whirled to face him.

_Here it is! I knew he was going to try something like this eventually._

“Get lost, assholes, before I hit you myself for being brainless!” The look on Jensen’s face was purely Dean. He didn’t spare the two idiots another glance as they scrambled to get away. And either the patrons of this bar were used to such displays of violence, or it had all happened too quickly for anyone to notice.

Regardless, Jared stood his ground as Jensen stepped closer and hissed, “Outside, now! We’ll be lucky if they don’t call the cops and press charges!”

_That would be stupid of them. We were clearly provoked._

“He practically asked me to!” They were nose to nose now, and he could smell the beer on Jensen’s breath. He was grinding his teeth together; Jared could see the muscles twitching in his jaw.

Jensen took a deep breath and seemed to make an effort to pull himself together, but Jared could still hear the tension in his voice. “Jared, we’re going to take this outside. Unless you want me to kick your ass in front of all these people?”

Jared stood stock still, staring down at his costar. The look on Jensen’s face said he was dead serious, and Jared decided not to try and call his bluff. He knew there was a side exit beyond the pool tables, so he turned and made directly for it.

For once, the voice in his head had nothing to say.

 

SPNSPNSPN

 

Jared burst out into the alley in a flurry of hair and flannel, shoving the side door of the bar so hard as he went that it banged against the wall of the building. Jensen was right on his heels.

“Jared, stop!” But he didn’t seem to hear Jensen. Either that or he was ignoring him. “Jared!” Still no reaction, other than to run faster towards the main street. “Fuck!” At this rate giraffe-legs here was going to leave him in the dust unless Jensen did something drastic.

Putting on a burst of speed Jensen launched himself at Jared’s back and managed to shove him into the brick wall of the building next to them. Both of them grunted and struggled against each other.

“Jesus Christ, Jared! Just hold still a second, I’m not the enemy here, man!”

Suddenly all of the fight seemed to go out of Jared and they were nose to nose again. Jensen waited a moment and then relaxed his grip on Jared’s arms, pulling back slightly. As he looked up into Jared’s face, he had just enough time to catch the smug look on his friend’s face before he found himself doubled over with all of the air knocked out of his lungs.

“Holy shit!” he wheezed. But at least Jared wasn’t running anymore, just looming now.

“I don’t need you to fight my battles for me, I can take care of them myself. It’s not like I haven’t had the same training and practice you have.”

The tone wasn’t right. His Jared would have said it with anger in his voice, because Jared was more likely to get defensive than cold. But this was almost clinical in its delivery. Jensen forced himself to stand up straight so he could see Jared’s face.

_Yup, there’s the blank face again._

“Do you even hear yourself? You know we can’t do shit like that out in public. We don’t need that kind of press. This isn’t you!”

“Because you know me so well? That must be why you’ve been trying to direct everything I do all season right? Why should I even bother trying, if you’re going to just make everything about you?”

_Don’t kill Jared. Don’t kill Jared. That would be bad._

Jensen closed his eyes and forced himself to take a few deep breaths. “Ok, just hang on a second. You’re in too deep, you really need to let Sam go. You’re not him, Jared.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Of course I’m not. I’m just finally trying to take care of myself instead of always following your lead.”

“Ok, I don’t know what you’ve been seeing all season, but it’s the other way around. I’ve been following your lead! You’re the one who’s had to go out on a limb this season, I’ve just been trying to help. You think it’s easy for me, having to do without Sam’s soul? It’s like half of me is missing!”

He could see Jared was starting to get frustrated with him. Good. Let him be frustrated, maybe it would knock some sense into him.

“You keep making us practice over and over! We never did that before. Every five seconds it’s _are you ok?_ It’s like you think I can’t handle it or something!”

Jared was shouting now, and his hands were moving in the air. It was the most emotion Jensen had seen out of him for a long time. Despite the animosity, Jensen was feeling great about the way the conversation was progressing. He just needed to get Jared’s headspace back to where it had been over the summer.

“Ok, you know that’s not true. Do you remember what I told you when you texted me over the summer hiatus, worried about being soulless and Sera’s lack of direction? What did I say to you then?” Jensen waited expectantly for Jared to answer. Even if he was angry, Jared couldn’t not turn his giant brain toward a puzzle.

“You said… you said whatever I came up with would be awesome.” Jared was still breathing heavy, but he was watching Jensen, and most of all he seemed to be listening.

“Ok, that’s good. And do you remember at the start of the season when I told you how you were going to put me to shame this season, because you were working so hard?”

Jared was staring into space somewhere beyond Jensen’s shoulder. With his mouth slightly parted and his brows tilted up, he finally looked like himself a little. The expression on his face reminded Jensen of his ‘puppy-dog’ look, and Jensen couldn’t help but grin up at him.

“Flirting,” Jared whispered.

“What?” asked Jensen, confused at the sudden change of topic.

“I accused you of flirting with me, didn’t I?” Jared looked hopeful.

“Probably. It sounds like something you’d say.”

Jared was quiet for a moment, still considering. “We haven’t done that in a while…”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I think we’ve both been so focused on the different dynamic between our characters, that we lost track of the shift in our own dynamic.” Jensen paused, letting that sink in for a minute. Jared was still watching him, waiting. “We haven’t talked about it and we haven’t been looking out for each other, do you agree?”

Now Jensen was the one waiting. Jared was still staring at him, his expression intense. But now Jensen could tell the difference between Jared’s depth of focus and soulless Sam’s frightening intensity. More honest consideration and less bug under a microscope.

Jared sighed, finally. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“What do you think we should do about it?” Jared was worried Jensen was too involved in his business? Jensen was happy to let him make the first move.

_Ball’s in your court, buddy._

Jared took a deep breath and pressed his hands to his face. After a moment he ran his hands back through his hair and exhaled what sounded like all the air from his lungs. His eyes were red.

He looked at Jensen, clearly at a loss for what to say. “I don’t know,” he finally whispered.

Jensen smiled, “I do.”

He spread his arms out with a flourish and announced in his most dramatic voice, “Bring it in, big guy! Bring it in!”

Jared burst out laughing, and Jensen wisely decided to not point out how much it sounded like a sob. Besides, he was a little distracted by his armful of Padalecki.

“Hold me Jensen!”

He could tell Jared was shooting for hilarious, but Jensen could still hear the edge of hysteria and desperation in his voice. “Happy to,” he whispered back, and pressed his lips behind Jared’s ear. Not quite a kiss, but he figured Jared wasn’t really in a position to call him on it. And if it seemed like Jared was crying, well, Jensen wasn’t going to mention that either.

 

SPNSPNSPN

 

“This was a great idea.”

Jensen twisted in place on the porch swing, just in time to see the screen door bang shut behind Jared as he came outside. Jensen grinned; Jared came bearing gifts!

“You brought beer! Smart man!”

Jared laughed and sat down next to Jensen on the swing, passing over one of the bottles once he was settled. Jensen used the edge of the arm rest to pop the lid off his, hearing Jared do the same on the other side of the bench.

Jensen took a swig and resumed his slouch. The sun was setting over the tree tops in front of their rented cabin. It was a beautiful view.

After a moment, he asked, “What was a good idea?”

“This. Coming here,” Jared replied. “I needed this.”

“Everyone needs a vacation now and then. Nothing wrong with taking one. It doesn’t make you weak to admit it.”

Jared nodded, “I get that.”

They sat in companionable silence for several minutes, Jared using his long legs to push the swing back and forth.

Finally, Jensen turned his head and watched Jared for a moment. “Do you want to talk about it?”

At first Jensen didn’t think he was going to answer, so much time had passed. Jensen wasn’t going to push if Jared didn’t want to talk about it yet. They had all weekend.

When Jared finally spoke, his voice was soft, like a confession. “It’s like he was in my head.”

Jensen hummed in understanding, “Sam, you mean?”

“Yeah.” Jared took a deep breath, and then it was like everything he’d been holding in the last few weeks came pouring out. “Which wasn’t weird, or anything. Sam is always in my head. But this was so different. It’s almost like he was talking to me. It wasn’t real, I know that. Just a part of my own subconscious, I guess. But that doesn’t really make me feel better about it. ‘Cause what does that say about me, huh? Having that inside me?”

Jensen could hear the tremble in Jared’s voice, the worry apparent. “Everyone has their dark side. It’s just, maybe not everyone is so obviously confronted by it. It doesn’t make you soulless, just frustrated and overworked. Now you know, it won’t happen again, will it?” It was a question, but Jensen felt confident Jared didn’t even need to answer. They both already knew what he would say.

Jared leaned over the side of the swing and set his beer on the floor. Then he pulled his long legs up onto the swing and curled sideways to rest his head in the crook between Jensen’s neck and shoulder. It was just natural for Jensen’s arm to come up and wrap around his shoulders, and he didn’t think at all about burying his hand in Jared’s hair.

“You’re a lot cuddlier since the alley, you know.”

“Problem?”

Though Jensen couldn’t see Jared’s face, his smile was apparent in his voice. “Not at all,” Jensen replied. 

 

 

_fin_

 

Comments are love. Be gentle, it's my first time *wink*

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Art for From The Outside In by jelyba_pants_awesomesauce](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14729873) by [millygal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/millygal/pseuds/millygal)




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